This really doesn't need a title

Stil looking

Martial vs marital matters

A long time ago, the fictional persona Werther pondered upon this 'Must it be that all that makes us  happy, be also the well of our unhappiness?' And since I first read it, it has been the question I regurlarly yet infrequently sigh over myself.

My year so far has been more like something of a dream. With a job that I am finally really enjoying, exams that went better than expected, new and inspiring friends and classes in art school, even -and I may regret ever confessing to this- some peace of mind that I thought I would never know. Except that the heart is not so calm. It still wants everything.

But  what the heart wants, and what the mind thinks is possible are very very far apart. I just wait for an artificial blood pump to become commercially available and then I'll trade mine for its weight in chocolate.

A single girl's worst enemy....

Being today, less calm then I have been an entire week, it is probably not the best time to vent about an issue rather unrelated to my current anger. However, I may not take the time to do so later and I really feel it need be said.

I have never had many gentleman friends. Boyfriends, boy-friends, acquaintances,... straight or otherwise. All the more I cherish them. I don't show it of course; pretentiously assuming that initiating a date or meet-up is enough compliment for the rational sex.

Whenever it presumed or insinuated that I have ulterior motives (true or not) I panick a little, fearing that I might miss out on company I am fond of. And even worse when the silent accusations come in name of an unknown spouse/sex partner/ girlfriend... Because it is a threat I can defend against.

Therefor dear gender comrades, when your 'man' meets up with a lady friend, assume she is a 'friend' and no more. It displeases me most seriously to lose friends over female jealousy.

A month ago, coming within three years of my third decade on this planet; I thought myself (and not before time) too old to be falling in and out of bubbly love and unreasonable hate with every change of season. Too old to chase after cute specimens of my kind, too old to still want and desire.

And yet there is hope in my heart. Unfounded delirious joyful hope where all hope should be crushed, dead, extinguished. Hope.

As a wise men said:

"Yes, McCoy. Hope is a human emotion. But after many years in their
continious company I can't escape being tainted. And hope is an emotion I will
not be ashamed of, considered it is turned to good."*

* attributed to Mr. Spock, more or less

The web is also the ocean

For a while (a time period roughly corresponding with the time in which this blog has been free of vague meanderings and lack-of-love induced laments) I have been wondering about some unsolicited romantic advice. The tip was unasked for AND unwelcome as I took it to be both an accusation and an insult.

To be short it was proposed that I find a potential mate on-line. Much as I like and enjoy my 'connection' with W3 I made it perfectly clear that I prefered my personal relationships to start in real life. And yet every now and then I hear arguments in favour of the suggestion, and never any against.

It is true that I might enjoy a somebody to share my life with but I resent the implicit message that I MUST HAVE a partner to appeciate life to the fullest, even more it annoys me that I am considered to awkward to meet people through day-to-day interaction - even though this is probably true. Since I have given up the wish and hope for a child of my own, I'm in no hurry to lose whatever freedom I have left.

You've said it Lucy van Pelt

Quote #47

It's been so spot-on my exact feelings so often in my life that I find the saying deserves a better title than 'Quote #47', but I can't think of one.

Though it might not be literally true and though I can't be certain (yet) that he loves her, or she him; this is why I want to cry right now.

The hardest thing you'll ever do is seeing the one you love, love somebody else.

Anonymous

The Facebook Dilemma

In a previous post I have announced my goodbye and resolution never again to be part of the curses and blessings of Facebook. Being now over a year clean and untainted by my previous obsession I am however in doubt. I have no wish to join the circus again, but that it may be the only way to contact a cute ex-colleague.

Message in a Bottle

I tend to write down my frustrations, in order to be able to let go of them. Being confused in the last few months about two relatively recent crushes, I had decided to simply write them. Since actually sending the letters might be too confrontational, I'm sending the letters by bottle. The river runs past both their houses so...

Be careful what you wish for...

For very nearly a year, I've wanted you to feel like this. And then when you did, it broke my heart.*


* because it wasn't me

Happy 2011 Valentine

Since there will always be at least one reader who is into mushy commercial holidays :

To everyone else and especially the pining lover, who the horoscope of Flair predicts will tell me of his/her love: I have spent all the years that I might have cared for Valentines gifts single, the caring is over but I intend to be single for a little while longer so don't bother getting me something.

Phone-/Lifeless part two aka Rant VII

In case you had not noticed from my absence the past two weeks. I suck at communication. I have been without mobile phone for about three weeks now, and I daresay there has only been one instant so far that I actually missed it. I have also been without access to my google account (including e-mail) for about a week and again I barely missed it. True it was rather inconvenient for the people that have wanted to contact me but as far as I figured; I almost couldn't care less.

Except of course that it has been impossible for everyone to contact me. Everyone including him. Him being the one person I never declared myself in love with despite being hot wax in his warm loving hands. And it drives me crazy. Crazy that it takes me almost two years to realise that it doesn't feel like any crush before because they were in fact crushes and he isn't. It's different. Totally different. Completely different.

Gifts returned to sender

When in a bad bad mood a sure thing to revive my spirits is a randomly produced test to tell me how wonderfull I am. And I know I am, but it is ard to know also I'm hard to love back.

Your Love is Giving

Your love actively and generously. You like to make a difference in other people's lives. You give freely of your time and resources. You help without even being asked. You believe that love is a doing word. You rather express your love through actions than words. You are a truly kind and good person. You are both thoughtful and unselfish.

The Heart Tattoo Test

Blogthings: Quizzes and Tests and Memes, Oh My!

Not keeping promises

It is something I am very good at, like when I promise myself to be happy or at least happier.

A few days ago I was most earnestly resolved to put a halt to my compulsive beauty and care product purchasing. A vow that held until yesterday. Of course I was thrilled with the product of which you see an image on the right. Of course I have now the most desirable lips I ever had. Of course I am unable to stop touching and rubbing and massaging them. Of course I annoy(ed) my fellow shoppers undurable lengths of time with 'how sweet the sensation' and 'how did I live without'.

But not 24h later I wonder why my lips need to be this soft and well taken care off? There's never anybody around to kiss them anyway.

The Voice of an Angel

Once an event occurs that you before that time thought to be impossible, people tend to be in shock for a while but once rationality kicks in, we make a decission, either to never let it happen again or preparing (if not in dread, in eager anticipation) for the event to take place once more.

Being familiar with the ticking of my own clock I thus knew it would be a mere matter of time before I would be on the brink of falling in love with a voice only. I have now however the advantage of knowing that her boyfriend isn't a complete asshole, that she looks like a '90 version of Twiggy (and in my book that's not a compliment) and experience. 

I shall not be miserable for long and should the previous proof to be too optimistic, I shall buy one of her records and cry myself to sleep listening to her rock sugar voice.

It had to happen sooner or later, though I am quite certain that I have warned you for this type of post. The heart of yours truely received another scratch. I am generously providing you with a soundtrack to my misery,but Iwouldhave it known and understood that I will NOT beg.

Quote #38

I couldn't agree more.

A love Story in 28 Text Messages

At a party after handing out my phone number to a stranger. 'K' is the would-be lover, 'M' is of course me.

K: Peep :) sweet lady :)
K: Safely at home? X K from the party X
M: Safe and sound at home and in bed. Hope you had fun. M
K: Meeting you made my evening toppy ;) have secretly been thinking about you :)x
K: How about another party tonight?:)K
M: Nope. Tomorrow = working day :-(
K: Sweetiepie. Those mondays ey... Hate it to (sic). You know. Have been thinking about you ever since... Can I see you again? :)x
M: You're embarrassing me. I like you but I'm afraid I'd disappoint you. Many reasons, 1 is I'm leaving for a long trip abroad and I don't want to get involved in anything serious.
K: Wrong question? I'd curse myself if I didn't ask. X
M: Not the wrong question. Wrong time. Sweets
K: Please :(
M: Let me think this through, will you? I just want to save you (and myself) some heartache.
K: You really made my heart beat faster yesterday. Can't I enjoy it just a little bit? For this one that that I meet 'her':)x
K: Why heartache? On this little planet... I'd really go far for you. Very far! You're the person that gives me that stomachtwisting feeling! I can't recall the time I felt like that!X
K: Have felt great all night because of you:) no one can take that away:)x
K: I most sincerely mean it. In case you have any doubts.
M: Only doubt what I can/ should/may feel myself. %waves%
K: Love is the most beautiful thing on Earth when it's pure. But I can't force you. I just know what I have started to feel (the feeling only you give me) and I couldn't imagine anything better. I'm all yours. You'd be a beautiful dream come true.
K: When you meet the one, you just have to go for it, no?:)x
K: And then it was quiet =p x
K: I'll leave it up to you, no pressure...X
K: Hey beauty:) How's work today?:)x
M: Slow and quiet. How about you? sry for lack of response but I'm still thinking
K: :) Happy to hear from you:)x
K: Can't get you out of my mind :(x
K: Hey,ignorer =p x
M: I don't mind you thinking of me, I just don't want to feel pressured.

* Disclaimer: I am fully aware that the above concerns details of my private life, if you take offense bugger off. If you are the mystery man whom it concerns, I never told you to either like or text me. I promise as solemny as you wish for that your identity shall always be my little secret unless and until you prefer otherwise.

I scream for Ice Cream

I looked very much forward to that meeting/date and still ... the only feeling is that of despair. I suppose this will teach me not to get my hopes up.