Twee zachte armen om me heen....*

It has been for the first time in a very long time that last night I have wanted a boy/girlfriend regardles of being in love (which I am by the way but more on this subject later).

Not because it is what family and society alike seem to expect of me.

Not because I think a partner-for-life is essential for my happiness.

Not because I'm utterly sex-crazed from the withdrawal of physical attention.

But because it would be so nice to be able to say "Hold me for a while" without the immediate need for an explanation.

ANd I really don't feel like explaining. I only makes me tremble with anger. An negative loop that I need to get out of.

*two soft arms around me, a reference to a well-know dutch claasic about the solitude of a pestered misunderstood boy whose father is a sea

The season upon us

For a very long time this month I have wonderd if this post would soon be in order. After a most wonderfully warm weekend, sunlight tempting all city people to enjoy a last concktail on the terrace of a pop-up summer bar, autumn is here. Last night I rode home, in dark warmth and I could have imangined it to be a  late Augustian night. this morning I woke up in drizzle that reminded me mostly of Novembers cloak.

Quote #47

It's been so spot-on my exact feelings so often in my life that I find the saying deserves a better title than 'Quote #47', but I can't think of one.

Though it might not be literally true and though I can't be certain (yet) that he loves her, or she him; this is why I want to cry right now.

The hardest thing you'll ever do is seeing the one you love, love somebody else.

Anonymous

All coming back I hope

Every morning to work I cross at least three duck and geese families, all made up of a mother and three to seven littluns. Since I pass hardly any considerable ponds or ditches and ride along quite a lot of busy streets and highways I consider a near miracle that I never so any of them (being) harmed.

I wish the same could be said of hedgehogs and babybirds.

Be careful what you wish for...

For very nearly a year, I've wanted you to feel like this. And then when you did, it broke my heart.*


* because it wasn't me

Uncried tears

I used to curse myself for not being able to control the relative dryness/wetness of my eyes. Right now, I'd give anything to be able to cry, it would be mightily embarrasing considering the company I will find myself in for at least another day but it would relieve me a little too.

I may be in need of more tea.

Update from not the best weekend so far.

It is often when one resolves the least that a plan has more chance of succeeding. Hence another update live from Rue de Sangliers, Barvaux.

I have just taken a bath, done a pedicure, dressed up rather nice, skipped lunch and convinced myself that whatever happiness or joy I might find, or might have found is beyond my reach. To limit the damage for myself I simply draw back to solitude whenever possible.

Merry Christmas

I fear that may have reached the age at which all festive activities become obligatory circus acts predictable from beginning to the end. From this not necessarily follows that the occasion is an unpleasant one, merely that I could think of activities as pleasant with the added bonus of being cost-and frustrationless.

Have I become to critical of family traditions? Or am I just grumpy for the lack of snow? Or am I longing for a childhood when christmas was something magical? I'll deny any charges whenever they are launched at me and take this opportunity to wish everyone a pleasant Yule-Tide.

Good Intentions

No more emotional melancholic mystery!

Or at least thats what I 'll try.

Last night I heard once too many that it is maybe not such a good idea to publish prety much every detail of my struggles in search for love, comfort and happiness. I may have to resort to witty remarks on world events, private affairs and utterly unimportant remarks about my day at work. For the few, I think those very few who should miss my endless wailing, they can always invite me for a drink and then some more drinks.

No effect

You may or may not have read a post below, explaining what to do when I feel miserable and you are in no mood to listen to my endless wailing of what a bad state I'm in. I know how baking makes me feel and nowadays I anticipate the wailing by asking people to tell me to bake.

So I did. And I still feel sad.*

So what am I going to do now?

* Even though everyone that had a taste seemed to like it.

One question

I know barely were to start writing. And I fear or rather I am certain that for the bulk of my readers it will be utterly incomprehensible.

I feel very very well right now. But at the same time I feel sad. I'm in love. And still I'm not heartbroken to learn he doesn't love me back. I feel like crying but I can't help, really can't help smiling. I slept little, ate nothing, had one cup of tea since yesterday evening but I'm so full of energy I feel like terribly long walks and shouting out loud and taking a shower just to be able to sing.

Could it be that in spite of an unhappy discovery I'm secretly happy?


I wouldn't know, I'm too confused.

Perspective

Isn't it wonderful and strange how sometimes people you barely (here meaning have only just met you) know make you look at the world as if it is an opportunity -not a mess?!

I'm very glad to have met another somebody- whom I would like to refer to as 'friend'- who reminds me to see things into perspective. And for those who haven't seen things in perspective: below is a tutorial.

U-Turn

Hours, little more than hours ago, little enough time to be measured even in minutes, I was happy. I  always forget how it feels when I'm not happy, so I cannot describe it but I believe I must have been since I wrote the previous post. And now...

All is black.

All of a sudden all is black. Don't ask me what happened. Nothing happened. I was having supper, which one of my house mates cooked, and it wasn't even too salty or too spicy for my taste. But suddenly it was there. BANG! Uninvited and most unwelcome: the feeling of utter despair.

Too Subtle

Too subtle, whereas I am usually called too vague.

Too subtle, while I think it is obvious, so very very very obvious.

Rant V

I want answers. Answers to a lot of questions. And though the questions may seem riddles to you I won't make a misty show about what I can or can't say. It's my place on the internet goddamn you, I can say whatever I bloody like.

I want to know what the look on his face means.

I want to know if it's ok to say I'm not in love.

I want to know weither it's him I miss or the feeling of being cherished.

I want to know what I feel, not assume I'm not in love, because falling in love is such a bad idea.

I want to know if maybe falling in love is exactly what I need to do.

I want to know that I'm not happy yet, but that I will be someday.

I want to know above all that halfway my feelings for him I won't just fall right back in love with you. Yes, YOU.

April Fools'

... as a date known as the first of April.

And what a day it has been. Everything looked dark and all day long I had sunshine. And just when I started to think it might all turn out well, the raincoulds appear. 

I stand by the decision I made but the confrontation with reality is nonetheless harsh. I may be a lot happier without the constant fear for another heartbreak, I want to be happier still.

April fools and I'll fool myself.

Torn

It would be utterly wrong to say I'm confused, or even to say I'm in doubt. I know what I feel; extacy, joy, guilt, desire, excitement, anticipation, sadness and gloom to name the most important ones. And all these feelings are merely natural.

It is not wrong to enjoy the physical and emotional warmth of being cuddled up.

It is rather normal to eagerly anticipate whenever the next time may be.

It is understandable that one feels bad when the actions one takes are taken ill by those one loves (God this sounds all so vague). Nobody likes to see a friend hurt, let alone be the cause of that friend's pain.

It is a simple pleasure to meet new people and hope that you may have found a new friend.

But it is a little much to feel all this at once. 

The Heartache

A highly unoriginal title. Not for a post of my writing. But it is all I can say. My job I like well enough though it is not the happy sunshine fairyland I might have wished for in a naïve and semi-sober moment. It is not doubt of what the future may bring that worries me, I intend fully to stick to my one-month old plan, no.

No, it is the old heart that troubles me. It seems that I will never be rid of its fancies and follies. An dit hurts. Like papercuts in the tips of my fingers, it hurts. I know not to fight feelings, I know better far better than to be subdued by them. My mind is clear in that. But my heart knows nothing and still feels. Feels as if it never felt pain. Feels as if love needs only that, that a heart wants to love back. Sorrow upon sorrow I heave and I can only hope that the little joys of life lighten the burden. Idle hope but still hope.

Rant IV

I have

• no job
• no boyfriend
• no outlook on vacation
• no inspiration
• no answer to the billion question swirling through my mind
• little to no energy

and yet you tell me to do the one thing I can't.

Smile

This is how I feel when you give me compliments.