The first day of the rest of my life.

I've signed a contract today. With an employer that I dreamed of working for, from almost the moment that I started looking for a job.

I should be overjoyed, shouldn't I?

Then why does it feel like the biggest mistake of my life.

Kuh Kuh Kuh Kuh Kowkayne

While my house mates are slaving to keep the house clean and free of fleas, on the verge of influenza or abroad getting drunk more slowly and expensively then would be possible in governmentless Belgium; I go to work and come home bubbling with joy.

Mostly because I've allowed myself to crush on a colleague, mostly to escape the love sickness of a heart broken in the last year; and which will soon enough case me despair.

I must be honest it is almost alien to me to type theoppostie of hope; I can't yet imagine what horror and sadness and grief I feel when I'm not in this mood and I've been this bubbly for so long I'm starting to suspect my housemates of putting cocaïne in my food. The only reason I know this cannot be possible is that all of them would rather snobble (sic) the fairy dust themselves.

Words to live by

This Be The Verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
 They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
 And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
 By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
 And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
 It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
 And don't have any kids yourself.

Philip Larkin

This may or may not apply to several friends and acquaintances of mine. I fear my graph would say 'Panic' and only that.

Wedding Night

As I write, mere hours before you read this I help out preparing the stage wedding of a friend's friends. Two people who are dear to each other and to me will be (fake-) wed.

I always thought I hated the fuss. Having recently seen one of my oldest college friends get married to a very handsome tall dark 'stranger' had -I thought- put me off quite a bit. I loved seeing him and her so happy and brave to simply say we'll face the world together from now on, but throughout the ceremony I felt that it would be impossible for me to vow love and fidelity eternally ( a leftover from having scarred my heart once too often). Combined with a great lack of interest for cake dresses, family festivities and fuss about my person, I concluded that I had better not marry.

However, even knowing that nothing of what will take place today is meant in earnest, I simply adore being involved. I have been wondering a full two weeks about what to wear. I will beam with joy and pride when I am complemented on the choice of corsage and bouquet. I think constantly of event-appropriate music. Had I time and an oven to spare I would without a doubt have volunteered to bake a wedding cake. Already I'm jealous thinking how they will look at each other and the children, with pride, love, warmth overflowing their hearts.

Now that I am well beyond the point of sentimentality I might as well mention that either one of my sort-of-single sisters must marry or the one man that may be mine (if there is such a man) will not escape nuptial frenzy. The official paperwork I can and could do without, but I'll have my damned party.

Children in time

I have no doubt that one day I must have kids, that no matter how much the minusses may outnumber the plusses; I'll regret not having them when I 'm past the procreative age. And yet, not 24 hours sharing a limited space with the type of humans that I would hypothetically spend twenty years of my life breeding, feeding, educating, caring, washing and clothing, I have concluded that I may not be the stuff mothers are made off.

Also I'm emotional anyday, around pre-school kids I am devoid of a reason. And I work hard enough too keep these two in balance, I must not strive to extremities, this will not improve the quality of my life.

Dear reader, I am aware that this is more a public letter to myself then a true blogpost, but it is merely public so that you may remind me of my own words. It shall be necessary soon enough.

FutureMe

Privacy Alert! The following message is in part a private letter fromt he author to herself. Such squeemish youths as have as yet to learn that I will post on my blog whatever I think acceptable had better learn to deal with it.

The following is a letter that I wrote myself, about a year ago. I daresay I had not forgotten the advice, in fact I have lived by it in the 365 days that have passed, and I am quite pleased with myself for it.

Dear FutureMe,

Not much is going on. Not at work anyway. But darling, have a care in your emotions. You can't let other people decide what you have to do.

For once do what you've never done before; go with the flow- however how out-dated that expression is.

Love will not necessarily follow, not even hapinees is something you can be certain of, but you will be you!

Love You,
M

To boldly go where I never went before.

A lunch-break idea of mine. Will fixing a donation to the CouchSurfing project. I thought: 'Hey, why haven't I ever surfed a couch?' And then I remembered I got a Go-Pass (ten rides pass for the Belgian Railway Company for people under 26) from my parents for Christmas. Those two combined might land me some very cheap little holidays in my own country and an opportunity to meet a lot of like-minded interesting people. So why don't I get to it?

Here is the plan;

• Search for 3 or 4 hosts in my age category in 12 or so major cities in Belgium


• Write them with information about me and my little project


• Have a packed suitcase* ready.

And that's it. And now that my friends are informed ; let's get busy!

* medium backpack containing: fresh underwear and fresh socks, t-shirt and/or sweater depending on the season, minimum toileteries kit, little present for host, small knitting or crochet project, a book, purse with life essentials,

Road Trip

Yesterday, a thought looming in the back of my head for months has popped to surface: why don't I just give it up? Both work and house and start travelling? So far I'm thinking of popping by in Japan and California, US to say 'Hi' to some much missed friends and after that I want to hitchhike or backpack around New-Zealand.

Knowing myself, I will not pursue this plan fully, if I even make it to the first step but it goes to show that I am far from being as attached to my job as my bosses and co-workers would believe. I can't escape feeling slightly guilty, inspired by loyalty for bosses that don't seem to appreciate no matter what effort or result; but it fades quickly enough when I start equalling out the verbal abuse, the meagre paycheck, the lack of growth potential, and the numbing of my creativity.

Vote!

In the course of three or four days, every adult in Europe has a chance to chose a future*. Being Belgian I don't have the right to vote but the duty to vote and also for a regional parliament. A duty that I love.

My political views are not always so clear, least of all to myself but I hoped that my vote for a strong and unified left in the political spectrum and a solidary unified Europe would be one of many. Alas.

In the prelimenary results I find little reason for joy safe that the extremest right party loses badly. Every other party in that part of the spectrum gains at the cost of aforementioned but gains nonetheless.

* I don't care if this is an oversimplified rendition of what I suppose elections for the EU Parliament are.

The Playing Card Test

What Your Playing Cards Tell About Your Future

Right now you are facing some major difficulties, especially in the financial arena. Your emotions are currently tied to a current disappointment. It's likely that someone has disappointed you... or will disappoint you. Your closest friend is someone you should consider marrying. Or the person you marry will become your closest friend. The near future will bring a shady, selfish person into your life. This person will bring a lot of bad news. Beware of trouble in love. You may lose a romantic relationship, but you will be able to move on.

The Playing Card Test

Who could have guessed randomness could come so close to the truth. I'm not going to marry my best (male) friend though, I like his girlfriend too much.

Could it be???

I daren't dream it might be true. But while I'm awake I hope.

Penguins

While discussing plans for the future, I let slip that I would very much like to move to the very South of New Zealand and never come back. Somewhat offended (I think) a friend said" But then you will be as far away as possible from us" To which I replied: "Yes, but as close as I can get to penguins." She did not seem to think the relative distance to penguins at all important for anybodies happiness and well-being. Which only goes to show; love her though I do, she will never understand me.

Soon

I'm quite sure that pretty soon I'll be almost certainly out of love with he-that-I-must-not-speak-of. But then what? There's still plenty of cute/nice/intelligent/good-looking/attractive men* around and I'm happy of late, I'm bound to fall in love again which I'm not sure I could handle, I'd really like some peace and quiet.

* Don't make me repeat it, happy or not it still burns my tongue to speak well of a man.

Alarming

Sounds alarmingly like me. What am I going to do when this happiness ends? That I wonder.

What is wrong with me?

There must be something going on.

Not only have I lately abstained from insulting every man I meet, I have been friendly even to the sort of guy that in twilight looms around parks and asks single women for their number even though they show no sign of interest, I have postponed going shopping to eat a long breakfast and have a nice chat with my new male housemate, I have admitted missing someone whom I have in the past two years (in no particular order) loved, thought I loved, massaged, disliked, ignored, avoided, liked, befriended, wanted to kill howibly howibly, I have spent time chatting to a guy I hardly know about his ill girlfriend when I could have been reading, I am as yet convinced that I am still in love but still it doesn't really matter he ignores my existance.

There MUST be something going on.


I might have to take this course.

Parenthood I

As the want for offspring defines itself clearer and clearer in my life, I'm trying to find out how well I'd do having to cater for six little brats and their father while cleaning up their mess and not letting go of my own life. The result of this test cannot but fill me with dispair what would a computer program know about my parental skills?

You Will Be a Cool Parent

You seem to naturally know a lot about parenting, and you know what kids need.You can tell when it's time to let kids off the hook, and when it's time to lay down the law.While your parenting is modern and hip, it's not over the top.You know that there's nothing cool about a parent who acts like a teenager... or a drill sergeant!

Would You Be a Cool Parent?

The Three Ton Baclava Party...

... aKa M is growing old and throws a party.

Starring

myself as the birthday girl

lots of food as lots of food
my friends as the invited
my enemies as the unwelcome
Lucas Munichstraat 33 as the place to be
september 22 as a date to remember
7 pm as a good moment to arrive

Please bring the following:

yourself

your other self

fun acquaintances

lots of presents

Please leave behind the following:

noisy and nosy relatives

alcohol left-overs

tasteless presents

Women's Liberation Movement

Very little of the above holds true for me, but as long as woman is made to suffer for the mere fact of being a woman, the battle isn't fought, isn't over, isn't won.

Happy birthday to me

I'll be 23 in exactly three months and it's a horrid thought. 23. And I haven't achieved anything yet. Possible exceptions are; a circle of close friends, the perfect cauliflower curry, 4 pages of a Nobel prize worthy novel and the knitting of multiple tops and scarves nobody asked for. Nothing to be proud of. Nothing.

You may gather from this that the bad mood is back. Don't tell me to eat chocolate, don't 'wiiiiie', don't talk to me, don't bother; I have to learn to make it through the dark spots alone, after all it's merely what everybody else does.